Advice to My Younger Self (Why I Was I So Mean??)

I’d like to get in a time machine and give some advice to my younger self (wouldn’t we all?)

My mom has been cleaning out her house, and she’s unearthed some fun finds. There are old photos, postcards from my deceased father, and even a handwritten list with the first names of all the babies born at the local hospital where my mom was going to deliver me (there’d already been 18 Jennifers before me!).

Then, the other day, she gave me a packet with emails, letters, and photos I’d sent to her when I was 22 years old and living and working at an inn in Vermont.

I’d graduated from college the previous spring, looked half-heartedly for a full time job (I was working part time doing graphic design for a newspaper), then felt shocked and saddened by the events of September 11th. Once that happened, I knew I wanted to do something besides live in my hometown in Connecticut. I wanted to travel and meet people and see new places.

I started applying for seasonal jobs and was quickly offered a head waitstaff position at a ski lodge in Killington, VT. I accepted the gig, quit my newspaper job, celebrated Thanksgiving and then, the next day, my 22nd birthday, then was off to my new life in the mountains.

my winter of insecurity

That winter I met my future ex husband (lol), learned to snow board (sort of), took trips to Montreal and Burlington (fun!), and spent quite a bit of time hiking and exploring and hanging out with new people. Overall, it was a good time.

But that winter I also started feeling really insecure. Some comments made by a male staff member, along with the comparing I did in my own head to the other female employees set it off. I felt unattractive and too big, uncertain about my abilities and worth, and like maybe there was something wrong with me.

Yet when my 40 year old self saw the photos I’d sent to my mom, I couldn’t believe how adorable I was, and it made me feel sad. How could I have been so hard on myself?

It’s a pattern that’s probably familiar to many women: We look back at our younger selves and wonder why we thought we were fat, or ugly, or why we put up with the crap that guys (or gals!) put us through. 

And that’s why I’d like to go back and give some advice to my younger self.

ADVICE TO MY YOUNGER SELF

#1 Be confident ABOUT YOUR PHYSICAL SELF

I spent so much time that winter hating my body. I’d gained some weight in college and lost it right before I moved to Vermont, but I felt like I needed to lose more, more, more. I felt consumed by my weight and the size of my thighs and butt.

If I could, I’d go back and advise my younger self to see how lovely she is. To tell her she’d save YEARS of sadness and suffering if only she could just accept herself the way she was. 

Once I left the lodge, my body image issues didn’t go away. They got worse for a long time, until I was in my early 30’s. It felt like it all began that winter, though.

In some ways I’m glad I went through these experiences. After all, our life experiences are what mold us and help us grow, right? However, if I get another shot at this whole human thing, I hope the lessons I’ve learned this time around come with me!

#2 Stop doubting yourself

Oh my goodness, the doubt. Not just about my looks, but about my worth in general. This certainly plagued me for many more years past 22, but I wish I could have told myself, “Listen, get with the program. You’re smart, you’re talented, you’re good at what you do, and you can do anything!” 

I spent a lot of time thinking I wasn’t good at my job or wasn’t good enough, and man, feeling that way sucked the life force out of me. It feels so much better to believe in yourself.

#3 Trust your gut

Back then I had no idea how to get in touch with my intuition/inner voice, but I wish I could have told her how to do it. I felt out there in the world without any strong sense of how to make decisions, and knowing how to tap into that inner stillness would have been helpful.

I wish I’d known that there was a quiet part of me that could guide me, that could help me make choices, and that would help me feel loved and whole. If I could sit down with myself 19 years ago, I would have let her in on that secret.

Ultimately, I’d have told my younger self to slow down, to listen, to take my time, and to be present and enjoy myself as much as possible.

#4 Just love yourself

Man. I’m still working on this one all these years later, but I know for sure that speaking to yourself with kindness and compassion is the best possible thing.

Lately, this has felt like the most important thing to me. To consciously tell myself how great I’m doing, and how much I love myself. It feels so good, physically and emotionally, to talk to myself with kindness and compassion. 

I had no idea that was possible back when I was 22. It would have never even occurred to me to try to be so positive and nice, and now I wish I could go back and tell myself to start practicing that skill early and often.

advice that’s good for any age

This post offers advice to my 22 year old self, but I think it’s good for anyone at any age. No doubt my 80 year old self will look back and be amazed at how young I look, how healthy and strong I am, and how smart and accomplished I am (despite often feeling otherwise). We gain so much perspective as we age; wouldn’t it be great to have some of that now?

If you have trouble believing you’re good enough or worthy enough now, think about yourself at age 80 or 90. Will you really care about your cellulite? Will you still be second-guessing every choice you made? Will you still be unkind? Will it matter how many Instagram followers you had or how long you could stick to the keto diet?

Life is for learning and growing and experiencing. Let’s all do ourselves a favor and stop being so hard on ourselves all the darn time.